She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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