were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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