My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
