I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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