Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
