You're earring is so big in my mouth
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
