How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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