i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
everyone is single if you try hard enough
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize