dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
