Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
