If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
