my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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