Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
