Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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