Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
