Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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