My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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