Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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