The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
