A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You dont lie about slip and slides
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Randomize
