i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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