i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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