It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
