She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i think im in europe. pls send help
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
