kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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