I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
