My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
