when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
