@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
