when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
