i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
