I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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