so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
