what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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