Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
