I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
