Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
