cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
