I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
