I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
