if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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