Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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