Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
