and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
