My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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