Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
