WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
