Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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