3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
