I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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