Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
