I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
