I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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