There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
