it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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