I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
