im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
