when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
