It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
