Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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